rearview mirror

I am continually amazed by how much God likes to surprise me with my own life.  You think you know but you don't really.  You wake up each morning with reasonable confidence of what things will look like in 6 months or a year or two years.  I plan and I worry and I run things around in my head over and over but it's so unnecessary.  I wish I could learn this but I never do.
When our fall year began I didn't know that I would go to grad school.  It just so happened that Ben had a few credits at PSU and I might as well use them.  I didn't know that would turn into me working towards a master's degree.  I didn't know that I would meet someone who taught at PCC and would want me to apply for a job at their lab school.  Probably the best surprise though has been the opportunity to work with my mom at Head Start.  For most of my classes these past two semesters I've needed to do project work in early childhood.  And since my current classroom only consists of two kids, mom graciously let me hang out with her students. 

 To say this group of kids is challenging would be a gross understatement.  As the lead teacher my mom has been kicked, hit, spit on, and called a mother-f'er on more than one occasion.  In spite of all this, she has done the most amazing job with them.  She 's patient and does not use their anger as an excuse to say they aren't teachable.  It's not like their behavior should be any surprise when you hear these kids stories.  I would be pretty angry too if I had been abandoned, had a parent in jail, been at the very worst abused and the very best neglected.  There are very few happy endings here.

But I was surprised that after only a few visits they let me into their lives.  They took my hand and gave butterfly kisses.  They let me negotiate conflict and help them find safe spaces. They loved when I took their pictures and played with legos.  

So for my art and creativity with young children class, I took my assignment to this group.  I was given free reign to design a project around any given art form/artist.  My only objective was to let them create and document the beauty each of them is capable of.  We read a couple of my favorite books with illustrators who do splatter paintings, talked about Jackson Pollock, and explained how to make rainbows explode on your canvas.  I had no idea if this would appeal to them or if the idea of not touching your brush to your canvas would be frustrating.  Turned out it was both, with a whole lot of chaos mixed in.  A few of them spent twenty minutes dripping and dropping and flicking and then took their brush over the whole thing and left.  I was surprised by how much concentration each of them gave to their work.  Very few words were spoken except to ask for more colors.
But man, they did not take the term, rainbow explosion, metaphorically.  There was paint everywhere.  I hope their parents don't hate me.  The assistants stared like I was a crazy woman.  The kids looked up at me every once and awhile to make sure it was ok.  We all wore a little rainbow explosion home that day.  But the end result?  Top to bottom beauty.

After taking each of their pictures I photoshopped them to make their faces and one color stand out most.  I tried to get Costco to donate photo canvases but their best offer was a $25 gift card.  So I found frames at the dollar store and displayed their photos next to their work.  Best fifty bucks I ever spent.  Turns out, it is not difficult to find the extraordinary.  You just have to zoom in close enough.  "Teacher, why is my face so big?!"

I also thought it would have been powerful to put all their canvases together to make one giant piece of art.  But since my objective was to help them see the beauty inside of themselves I felt this configuration worked better.  

Art and Artists

So yes, our house has been a little messier this year.  Some days my kids don't know where they'll be come 3 in the afternoon.  I've had to put myself in the mostly uncomfortable position of relying on friends and family to get us through our week.  My quality time with Ben has been between six and seven in the morning as we exchange snuggles and the details of our schedule.
Most days I question if our family can handle all this change.  But God has been nothing but gracious as each part of this years journey has unfolded.  And although it's messier, I can also see the full-er me.  It's not so much about balance as it is about falling, breathing, feeling guilty, crying, laughing, acting out in faith, feeling fulfilled, feeling like I can't do it, receiving peace that I can, and repeating the cycle.

I'm thankful for the days I'm home snuggling my kiddos and baking cookies but I'm also thankful for the path that leads me into the lives of other's who might need an eight by ten close up of take- your- breath -away wonder.