Chicago Christmas

In the spirit of Christmas never ending.  I hope I'm joking, but these posts may take us straight into February.  I have to record the adorable Hsieh love captured this year.  The cousins were full drama overlaid with pure joy.  It is a fair amount of work to keep up with them but their unconditional acceptance and ability to pick up exactly where they left off is something to behold.  As I think about my own cousin summers I have to wonder if it's just the nature of the relationship.  But I'll take it and smile every time I see them embrace each other.

Yeh Yeh pretty much beamed the entire week

 twins

 sillies

 raving with the preschool set

 they all got in on the action

 after gifts of Kindles and iPads, this is what their bonding looked like

 one of our stranger traditions, the night before Christmas in unrelated costumes

 little toes

 These two are partners in crime and frequently disappeared on mostly innocent missions...except the one involving squished chocolate eclairs on the carpet, "it's a game called rats and we have to store food for winter!"

 secrets

 Christmas morning love

 happy-tired mama

 chicago boys

 Build-a-bear shopping spree with Boda and Cinna's

 Nai Nai with her girls

 Watching the ball drop at the Chinese Christian Church New Years party.  Sometimes B and I look at each other with a look that says so many things.  How did we end up here playing Boggle with strangers, and singing As The Deer in Chinese, while our children climb under pews?  Oh life.  You are so unpredictable.  

I wouldn't trade these faces for anything

hall pass

The last of the pine needles have finally been vacuumed up and dislodged from the angry clogged Hoover.  Baking has reached a standstill and the only thing still twinkling are the stars in my eyes from attempting to exercise again after four (okay six) straight weeks of toffee, cookie, pretzel, peppermint, fill-in-the-blank bark.  But as I type I can hear my strange children humming We Three Kings while they build legos.  On Wednesday they begged me to keep the Slugs and Bugs Christmas cd playing as we wove our way to the grocery store.  It was a good reminder that I don't have to keep a whole season locked away in four giant red and green tupperware bins.  I am so anxious to not feel like I'm just treading water that I package it up as soon as the year turns.  The busy with the ornaments and the tension with the tree skirt.
It feels so much better to make resolutions, talk about my dreams for the year and pretend like I have everything under my control.  Fortunately God doesn't leave me in my self absorption and keeps throwing me outside of my comfort zone with nothing except, "HELP."
This month love they neighbor has meant sitting with a muslim friend listening as she shares the prejudice she faces every day and cries as she talks about fearing for her daughters, taking a risk to move from acquaintance to friend with my hairdresser as she treads through a valley, holding a sobbing 3 year old as his parents go through an ugly custody battle and knowing I can only give comfort in that small moment, giving up "nap day" to join a family small group, pretending to be an extrovert with a coworker during my break when all I wanted was to search through the anthropology website ("God, it's an extra 40% off clearance this week!  You can't possible want me to listen to this person's needs.").  Ok I'm slightly ashamed of that one.
So even though December is over the tension remains.  I am following my littles lead to hold on to the wonder of the season.  I am crying out for those dusty hands who healed the blind around Him so long ago to heal my selfish tendencies.
And I am clinging double fisted to those windows that allow for rest, renewal and creativity, i.e.
date night
grapefruit with extra sugar
bubble baths
this book, and this one, and this one (much, much more on this one later)
this breakfast in bed (lets call this what it is...dessert) but pair it with yogurt and it's paleo!
this project (thanks Amy O.!)
bon appetite magazine
time to wander with my new camera lens

I'll do what I have to do this season.  There will be tire marks from all the routine.  Tears have to be wiped, dinner has to be slow cooked, math homework has to be endured, toilets have to be scrubbed, laundry has to be folded and work has to be worked.  The days are rainy and the dark hours are long.  January is a complicated woman. But the good news is that we're all a little shellshocked from the holidays so anything goes!  And I'm leaving space in the chaos for all the little magical moments to breathe deep.  I won't just enjoy them.  I will wear them out.

the Christmas equation

Well we've been off the ranch for almost a week and all I can think about is how bad I want to get back and drop kick our Christmas tree to the rainy (I'm guessing) curb.  Is it cliche to say that I want to make a grocery list that includes vegetables?  I want to take a walk that brings me farther than the car door.  I want my children to breath actual air and start to recognize non computerized faces.  Does a freshly minted five year old need his own Kindle?  Who knows.  I've quit trying to make sense of the world. 

 December was it's usual overly intentional and completely unhinged self.  For some reason this year felt particularly unsettling.  I orchestrated all our usual traditions and then wondered why my eyes were constantly wet.  None of the formulas made sense.  December+Jesus=loud,busy,merry,bright,constant motion,spending money=all your troubles will be far away.  How does this work?  Who's troubles are far away?  Over a baby who came into nothing to rip us out of our mess and throw us into the wide arms of grace? 

I tried to untangle the knots in as many ways as I could this year.  We sat with the kiddos and talked way more than they wanted to hear about what all this really means.  And I think they heard us.  Ian begged to drive deep into Portland to share a new toy with a school friend who would otherwise have nothing.  And I cried all the way home.  We bought hot chocolates and drove around passing them out to those shivering in a bus stop or on the street corner.  We made gingerbread houses and brought stockings to those who face actual need every day.  And we remembered that these realities are realities not just because it's "christmastime."
But still it all felt like such a small stitch in the ripped apart fabric of humanity around us.
Every single year I dance around this desire to build lasting family traditions while holding onto the truth of what that birth meant.  And every year my divided heart lands somewhere in the tension.  It's tempting to think that some mama out there has this all figured out.  But I'm pretty sure we're all just doing our best, yes?
Right now I'm ok that joy doesn't equal happy.  Right now I'm clinging to joy equals hope.

the advent roundup

As per our usual, this season is obviously not busy enough so lets throw in a festive activity every day, we continued our beloved tradition of lining up our wooden tree with 25 sparkly envelopes.  A rhythm is beginning to take root as we scribble on the fly and make room for the simplest of moments.  But there is a lot of tangible giddy over the opening of the envelope even when it's just to share the gift of a complement around the dinner table.  So with conflicted hearts and lots of grace we persevere in the merriment.

Day 1 ~ 

It’s Advent!  Advent Means “the coming that is awaited”.  The Jewish People waited a long time for their Savior to come.  Jesus was born on Christmas and their waiting was over!  Their Savior had arrived!!!  On Christmas we celebrate Jesus birthday, and as WE wait for that special day, we can remember what it was like to wait for him the first time.  Today is the FIRST Day of Advent.  Every day will we do something special in anticipation of the arrival of Jesus’ Birthday.  Today we get out the nativity set and we will also set out a special "manger."  

Day 2 ~ Decorating the tree

 Day 3 ~ Window Cling Day!  (Apparently with a graffiti theme this year)

 Day 4 ~ Family Game Night

 Day 5 ~ Christmas bath... or make your own beer sampler

 Day 6 ~ Ladies tea and boys target practice day (just whatevs)

 Day 7 ~ Make your own wrapping paper

 Day 8 ~ chocolate lollipops (love me some after Christmas Michaels sales)

 Day 9 ~ Pick a book under the tree for some storytelling (Jolly Christmas Postman is always our highlight)

 Day 10 ~ Luminarios

 Day 11- Christmas jam night (Dance party in the bounce house with iTunes.  This was a new addition this year...thanks B!)  

 Day 12 ~ Tuba Christmas downtown  

 Day 13 ~ Special hike with Daddy

 Day 14 ~ Christmas cookies

 Day 15 ~ Pajama ride! 

 under 8 set get behind the wheel...look out

 Day 16 ~ Ava's Christmas concert

Day 17 ~ Watch Elf and stuff stockings

 Day 18 ~ Celebrate Ian's birthday at the food pantry Christmas party!

(How many exclamation marks should I put down so this sounds fun?  Yes, it was poor timing on this one.  We did take him to Bullwinkles to play two hours of video games later so I think he forgave us.)

 Day 19 ~ Secret act of christmas kindness day

 (photo fail on this day but it was a fun one as we all drew random acts of kindness from a jar and had to report back at the dinner table.  We might have almost been arrested as Ava was seen running in the dark to leave dollar bills and candy canes in the low income housing playground.  I'm pretty sure I saw a woman in her robe at the door with an angry look and a phone in her hand.  Merry Christmas!)

Day 20 ~ Annual Christmas Tea and Tia day

 Day 21 ~ Candlelight service at Hope and Ian and Ava's piano recitals.  Too cute!

 Day 22 ~ Mary Poppins on stage downtown

 Day 23 ~ Reading Christmas books with our favorite animal characters and making bird feeders 

 Day 24 ~ Baby Jesus finds His place in the manger, stockings are opened, coffee cake is baked, presents are under the tree and in what was perhaps the single moment of Christmas clarity, Dad had prepared a Christmas reading in parts.  A perfectly timed pause in the narrative.

Advent 2014 was not for the faint of heart or energy.  I'm still reeling from the spectrum of emotions rushing through me over the past six weeks.  Regardless, Emmanuel has come and continues to enter into the darkness.  That is the miracle no matter where my confused heart leans in the struggle. 

With that said, the benediction honors go to David Wilcox.

So now the stage is set.

You feel your own heart beating in your chest.

This life's not over yet.

So we get up on our feet and do our best.

We play against the fear.

We play against the reasons not to try.

We're playing for the tears burning in the happy angel's eyes

For its 

Love that mixed the mortar

And it's love who stacked these stones

And it's love who made the stage here

Although it looks like we're alone

In this scene set in shadows

Like the night is here to stay

There is evil cast around us

But it's love that wrote this play...

For in this darkness love can show the way.