the Christmas equation

Well we've been off the ranch for almost a week and all I can think about is how bad I want to get back and drop kick our Christmas tree to the rainy (I'm guessing) curb.  Is it cliche to say that I want to make a grocery list that includes vegetables?  I want to take a walk that brings me farther than the car door.  I want my children to breath actual air and start to recognize non computerized faces.  Does a freshly minted five year old need his own Kindle?  Who knows.  I've quit trying to make sense of the world. 

 December was it's usual overly intentional and completely unhinged self.  For some reason this year felt particularly unsettling.  I orchestrated all our usual traditions and then wondered why my eyes were constantly wet.  None of the formulas made sense.  December+Jesus=loud,busy,merry,bright,constant motion,spending money=all your troubles will be far away.  How does this work?  Who's troubles are far away?  Over a baby who came into nothing to rip us out of our mess and throw us into the wide arms of grace? 

I tried to untangle the knots in as many ways as I could this year.  We sat with the kiddos and talked way more than they wanted to hear about what all this really means.  And I think they heard us.  Ian begged to drive deep into Portland to share a new toy with a school friend who would otherwise have nothing.  And I cried all the way home.  We bought hot chocolates and drove around passing them out to those shivering in a bus stop or on the street corner.  We made gingerbread houses and brought stockings to those who face actual need every day.  And we remembered that these realities are realities not just because it's "christmastime."
But still it all felt like such a small stitch in the ripped apart fabric of humanity around us.
Every single year I dance around this desire to build lasting family traditions while holding onto the truth of what that birth meant.  And every year my divided heart lands somewhere in the tension.  It's tempting to think that some mama out there has this all figured out.  But I'm pretty sure we're all just doing our best, yes?
Right now I'm ok that joy doesn't equal happy.  Right now I'm clinging to joy equals hope.