Honey Bear

You are one of a kind baby love.  I can't stop staring at you lately.  At how fast you're changing.  Does it surprise you like it surprises me?  Do you catch yourself looking in the mirror wondering who that girl is looking back at you?  

 There never has been or ever will be someone like you.  You RADIATE beauty.  All long legs, dimples, tan brown skin, and perfect beach waves that match the six freckles on your nose.  You are EXACTLY as you should be.  I can't believe how brave you were in Hawaii.  Even when the water rushed into your mask and you couldn't catch your breath.  You took a moment to collect yourself and then went right back out into the water.  I was so proud of you.  You have more courage at eleven then it's taken me forty years to collect.

 Smart, funny, athletic, artistic, generous, fiery, kind and loyal.  There simply aren't enough adjectives to describe all that's going on in that spirit of yours.

 You are a FORCE, an amazing writer, a sleep talker, a cat whisperer and a song bird.  

You are a slew of contradictions.  Messy and organized.  Graceful and clumsy.  An extrovert who recharges with a quiet book at home.  A vegetable lover with a mad sweet tooth.  

This is my favorite picture of you from our trip.  A pink jewel against a sapphire canvas.  Ready to take on anything life throws at you.  I hope you always remember this moment and the mountains you are about to climb.  I know what you're up against and can only imagine how strong you're going to have to be.  Soon...too soon baby.  But the one who knit you together inside of me will never let you go.  He will be enough.  I promise.

You don't have to hide who you are.  You don't have to pretend you're someone else.  I know you're still figuring all this out.  I watched you on the playground the other day as you teetered between kid world and tween world.  You hesitated about whether you should race down the slide or sit on the park bench.  I watched when Ian asked you to play.  You don't have to hesitate if it's what you want to do.   

I know you want a phone because "everyone else has one."  You have so much time.  The phones will wait.  The world will wait.  I saw you hide your bunny when it was time to pack for Keely's sleepover.  Don't be afraid that kids will laugh.  Let them laugh if they want to.  Between you and me, they're all holding a stuffy at night too.  Or wish they were. 

 If I was in the 5th grade I would pick you every single day.  I'd sit by you at lunch.  I'd play tag with you at recess.  I'd push my desk next to yours.  We would paint our nails and stay up too late playing BFF mad libs.
But since I'm not and I can't, I will be your loudest cheerleader.  And I'll build you a nest that smells like peanut butter cookies and freshly cut lavender.  A place where you can come home and fall into the arms of your biggest fans.   

So when the world is cruel and too much to bear, you can always come home and feel safe, feel loved.  Aves, you make me believe that so many things are possible and you continue to give me a thousand reasons to keep fighting for this life.  I love you, I love you, I love you. 

Weekending

It's a bit tricky when you go on a road trip to Bend a month before Spring Break and it's all breathtakingly sunny and picturesque.  And the company is high five fun and the landscape is all red rocks and blue sky and the cherry on top is the hot tub...holla!  What inevitably happens is you get home and it's grey and rainy and your cancer shows you who's boss and you still have 30 days (no I'm not counting) until you can fly the coup to somewhere warm( no I did not spend all day researching flights to Hawaii).  

It has Sabrina and I all like:

But at least there's the memories right?  I'll try to keep my whining in check and allow myself only one pity party a day.  If only I could channel Miss A's love of indoor soccer into my winter blues.  We'd all be much happier.  I mean come on.  Could she be any cuter?  She's the best combination of fierce butt kicking and squishy love.  Is it wrong how much my heart swells when she shows the boys who's boss?  Probably but I don't care. 

Ok, here's the reason we're really here.  Although I apologize if this makes you want to quit your life and move to Eastern Oregon.  You wouldn't be the first one.

About to hike Smith Rock

She was super excited to try out her new Camelbak

 Cave dwelling with Karl.  Or in their words, "Wassup?"

Pose for Mommy!  No I'm sure it doesn't get old.

 We made it to the top!

 Viewtaking

 My girl and our next album cover

 Abby and I taking it all in

 Ben trying to freak me out

 I'm calling this interpretive dance on the cliff

 Card shark.  You know you have invested in some good friends when they are willing to appear entertained at an hour long/my kids are terrible cheaters/ game of Uno.

Thanks to Ben my babies are becoming quite the skiers.  This video is a bit of an inside joke.  But if you want the scoop just google:  ski Dad yelling pizza.  I guarantee it will make you smile.

SO MANY COOL RESTAURANTS...so little time.  I say this every time we go to Bend.  I can't keep up!  For future reference this one was called Spork and was a spanish/asian fusion of deliciousness.  We even got to eat in a futuristic pod and drink German beer/sodas.  It was totally bizarre and amazing. 

And rounding out our weekend with a tour of Bend's parks where Kabby played tag with our kids for an hour.  Did I mention we have some great friends?

A huge shout out to my love who plans these getaways so I can have something to look forward to at least once a season.  You butter my bread and I love you.  And it's not just plain butter either.  It's fancy truffle butter that can only be found by pigs in the rare forests of Newfoundland.

I-Bear

For the last two nights my favorite seven year old has climbed into bed with us sometime around midnight.  I tend to be a heavy sleeper except when it comes to my babies.  I can hear when they shift around in bed or wake up with a bloody nose.  This time I woke up as I watched Ian stumble towards me in the dark and fall into my outstretched arms.  'Is everything ok buddy?'  'Yes I just was worried about you.'
 I know all the ways my boy is a common seven year old.  He loves legos, ninjago, and pokemon videos.  He would eat all the chocolate ice cream given the chance and nothing lights his fire like star wars and playing video games with his dad.  But how many boys worry about their moms in the middle of the night and wake up from a dead sleep to make sure they are ok?  Ian is just such an amazing kid.  I've watched his height double this year and still it can't keep up with all the ways his heart multiplied in compassion.  I'm dying with suspense to see what path he'll choose as a young man.  I'm leaning towards engineering since his brain figures out how to solve problems in warp speed but he was also made for music and climbs notes as though they were a clean straight line, or with all his practice he could be an expert personal shopper in the anthropology clearance section, or maybe early childhood for his skills as a baby whisperer.
  Ian, no matter what road you choose, I know that God is going to use you in amazing ways.  I just hope that this experience of worrying about me and losing a piece of your childhood doesn't lead you on a pathway of bitterness and resentment.  Grampa always says that we can't have nobility without suffering and you have been called to live out these words in your young life.  You school us all in bravery and I pray it only multiplies as the years go by.  You've had to grow up so fast since I got sick.  I won't forget the look on your face when I couldn't make it upstairs and started throwing up in the living room.  I can't imagine how helpless you must have felt and how badly you wanted to make everything better.  You know how to find daddy when I need him, microwave my heating pad and make your own breakfast when I can't get out of bed.  It's not uncommon to find you rubbing my back to comfort me and offering to do anything to make me feel better.  My heart nearly broke as I heard your voice on the line when school called and asked me to come get you.  At Christmas I could tell that you wondered if your humble homemade gift from school was enough.  And I wondered if you knew that you were always the gift.  Parenting you is such a privilege.  I melt when those brown eyes turn my way.  We have a secret kiss at bedtime that I look forward to every night.  It is the perfect ending to my often difficult day.
 Oh, sweet Ian.  You are the great joy of my life.  I will be proud of you no matter what road you choose.  Being a parent was what I always wanted and you have exceeded every hope I had of being a mother.  I'm telling you, if God can carry me through cancer, if he can call us not to fear in the midst of this terrible battle or promise us that we dwell in the shadow of his wings, then he can carry you through any heartbreak you face.  Always remember that I love you more than you could ever know or imagine.

A few of my favorites