The big freeze

Well we've finally thawed out from an especially snowy winter.  And although I'm going to be a whiny mess COME JULY (ok I'm slightly exaggerating) when we're still in school from missing 9 days, it sure was fun to play a little hooky.  We slept in, drank way to much hot chocolate, pulled out all our new games, Mario Karted on the new Wii, pelted each other with snow balls, failed at homemade sledding, and even dropped the kids off with their aunt so we could go to the movies-on a Tuesday!- at 2 in the afternoon! It was a wonderfully bizarre couple of weeks.

Tia took the call to adventure especially serious and built herself a giant igloo!  I'm telling you that girl would make a killing at the show Alone.  As long as she could bring her stash of halloween candy and colorful nylons.

 We made it to our favorite hiking trail to see it through a snowy lens.  I was so glad I brought my new camera body to try out some of the settings.  Thanks babe for my beautiful Christmas gift!  You are a man after my own heart.

It's a rare moment when I ask them to hug for a picture and they don't give me a look of disgust and immediately run in opposite directions.  I didn't even have to bribe them with candy!

 Is it too late for Christmas cards?

 I can't get enough of my new earmuffs.  We've become inseparable, especially since my dad gave them to me.  I was a blessed girl this Christmas!

 Hello handsome.

 This was with the setting where the camera takes a thousand pictures a second.  Ok, maybe not quite that many.  At least one will turn out right?

 One...

 Two...

 Three!

 Doesn't this look like one of those fake backgrounds?  I can't believe this is only five minutes from our house.  Beau-ti-full.

 My loves

Mt. Hood can almost compete with my cuties sweet faces.

The rough edges

Late this summer as we ran into the arms of family at the San Diego airport I listened as my nieces took turns commenting about my short hair.  Nothing disarms my sweet girl as much as my current hairstyles and so I took note as she firmly explained to them that "mommy has cancer but she told me she's going to be ok."  I racked my brain to remember how she could have possibly interpreted anything I had said to mean what she took it to mean.  That night I told Ben what she had said and wondered if I should have some kind of conversation with her to explain that I might not be ok.  Thankfully Ben encouraged me to let it go and just pray that the right moment would come around.

So the other night as I tangled Ava's hands up into mine I prayed I would have the right words.  I was humbled as she allowed herself the rare moment of whispering her fears into mine.  "Mommy, what if the doctors don't find a way to make you better?  What if the chemo stops working and the cancer gets bigger?"  She might as well have punched me straight in the face for how often she shows her fear card.  I paused to let it sink in and prayed hard that God would give me the right words.  I looked her straight in the eye and told her that I simply did not know if I was going to be ok.  I reminded her that none of us know how long we have here on earth and my time might be a little shorter than any of us wanted.  I took another long breath and smiled before either of us had time to cry.  "But although all of that is true, there is something that I look forward to more than anything else.  And that is being your mommy.  When I go to bed at night I go to bed thinking about how I get to wake up and make you your favorite mango pineapple smoothie.  And then how I get to comb those stubborn tangles from your brown hair and pray with you before school.  Nothing brings me greater joy than listening to you giggle as I scratch your back at bedtime."  And then with a few of those giggles I tucked her into bed.  It wasn't a lie either.  And when I'm tempted to feel like my time as their mother is going to be cut short I remember that God has called me to be their mother and I will be for all eternity.  When I grieve over the possibility of not being there to dance at their weddings or hold their grandbabies I comfort myself knowing that my love will be with them in every big and small milestone.  I have and continue to love every moment as a mama.  And I pray with each breath that God decides to throw a curveball into the game.   That these hard realities will become stories we look back on and remember His goodness in healing me.

Facebook updates

I wanted to thank everyone for their prayers over me this past week.  I was able to meet with the surgeon yesterday and it looks like surgery would still be too risky.  As much as I tried to prepare for the possibility it still felt a bit like having the wind knocked out of me.  I had desperately hoped that there might be an end to all of this soon.  However, it looks like I have some more waiting ahead of me.  Which I suppose is fitting during this season of advent.  Before falling asleep I reread Luke 2 when Mary brought Jesus to the temple and he was blessed by Simeon.  After praising God for what he would do through Jesus he turns to Mary to bless her.  Most of what he says I wouldn't consider a blessing but it must have been particularly surprising to hear him end with, "a sword will pierce your own soul too."  I can't imagine what Mary must have been thinking except, "um... I'm sorry but that's the best you can do."  I know that God is using all of this for my good but I can relate to the confusion Mary must have felt.  Maybe Joseph had to hold Mary in his arms in the parking lot of the temple as she cried the ugly cry on a Wednesday afternoon.  How could she possibly have known that everything would hinge on that chubby baby strapped to their donkey?  

So I covet your prayers as I process all of this and continue to hold the tension between hope and grief.  And also for my kiddos, especially Ian right now who seems especially worried about me.  Please pray that I would feel well enough with two rounds of chemo this month to celebrate Christmas with our families.  As always, I'm grateful for each of you.

Facebook updates - Jenni edition

It is with tears in my eyes that I say thank you to my beautiful friend Jennifer.  Two words that can mean so little but in this case carry so much.  Jenni definitely swam with me in the deep end this week as she cared for my failing body and loved every day on my family.  She rearranged her life to fly out here for the week.  She stocked my fridge, made yummy treats for my kiddos each day after school, played legos with Ian as if it was the only thing she wanted to do, cooked healthy and delicious meals for my family, held my vomit bag, did laundry and cleaned my house.  Probably most importantly she was present with me in the sadness but reminded me that I can only hold the weight of one day at a time and God will faithfully fill in the gaps.  We never could have known where this journey would take us over twenty years ago that freshman year at Wheaton.  Yet, I can't help but think that God was smiling that day we met.  Thank you dear friend for loving me so well.

School days

My littles have been back in school for almost a month but it feels way longer with the switch from anything-goes living to all-in soccer practice, Awana, 8pm bedtime, reading logs, library books and homework routines.  We've been surviving, albeit with a bit of whiplash, and they've even surprised me with taking on their own morning responsibilities.  Not an easy feat when their bus comes in the 6's!  That's right.  Those screeching brakes can be heard at 6:55 in the morning.  I honestly thought I would be driving them to school by now, but they are up bright and early and toasting pancakes, some mornings with their heads in their hands and eyes barely opened.  I'm learning how to embrace these mornings as well.  From whispering them awake while scratching their backs to pulling up the step stool so they can make their favorite smoothies.  My heart actually flutters a little the night before as I anticipate our morning rituals. A miracle considering I didn't wake up once before 9am the entire summer.  However, my favorite routine is when we squish together on the dusty green love seat to read from the Jesus Storybook Bible.  Last year they would take turns picking out a story but this year I've decided to start at the beginning.  Their little bodies pressed into mine with the smell of their wet hair and all our hands clasped together as we pray.  I don't know how much of these days they'll remember but my dad always says that someday it will come back around.  I love that.

1st grade with Mrs. Bock

 4th grade with Ms. Connolly ("Mom!  She has cilantro tattooed on her wrist!"  Apparently having an herb tattoo is what qualifies as cool. Who knew?)

 1st day of school!

 Time is on speed dial.

 Soccer days-Ms. A is in her element out on the field.  Have you seen anyone this beautiful in a soccer uniform?  She cannot get enough of practice or game time.  I wish I could bottle up some of the energy she has for soccer and channel it into piano practice. :)

 This is the first year he really loves playing, although tai kwon do is still his first love.  He absolutely beams when he scores a goal.  I am such a proud soccer mom.

 So another year is on a roll and I am thankful I'm still here for it.   I am trying to find the middle ground between appreciating what I have and being a hot mess every time I kiss my babies before climbing into bed.  Does that make any sense?  I'm trying to hold my loves with an open hand but God and I are still in heavy negotiations over it.  Cancer is a mosaic of broken pieces made smooth when looked at as a whole.  It forces you to see your life through a magnifying glass and hold your breath at the beauty of it all.

A little more magic

I'd like to be able to say that when I find myself with a few extra minutes I find some creative game to play with my kiddos but I'm probably scrolling through my phone.  And when I can't stop looking at photos I know they need to show up here.  Our second trip to California was equal parts peace and adventure with company just the right shade of perfect.  We stayed up way too late, got chatty on the worn in couches, watched our littles find their independence with an inner tube and a couple paddles, ate such yummy fare, saw three deer meander up to the porch and basically ask for dinner, fished, and cliff-jumped (go Amy!).  It was absolute perfection.  The down side is that it ended with a trip to the ER so I could get some fluids and recover from some kind of stomach bug.  The up side was that I was better by the next morning and able to drive home with my family.  I was pretty stubborn about making this trip happen and I am so so glad that I did.

Happy travelers.  These two are so much fun on vacation.  First of all I don't even know what time they get up but it's before me and I'm pretty sure there's sugar cereal and shows on their electronic devices involved.  But once I can manage a coherent sentence we are off to the races.  They are equal parts crazy, creative, silly and affectionate.  Man, I love being their mama.

For someone who says she's going to have a chauffeur drive her around she was awfully excited to drive the boat.  Thankfully, Garett is a very patient instructor.

This one thought he was commandeering a pirate ship.  Ian, not Garett.

This was a magical place Amy named The Narrows.  And it was a our own personal playground for the day.  A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and Ava kissed a duck.  I don't know...

Ivy gettin some love.

How many Ivy's can you spot?

Getting their morning wrestle on.

I love their faces in this photo.  So much happy.

This is where their adventure took them.  And this is me zooming in.  I like to call this free-range parenting.  

Hamming it up for the camera.

A little more

50 shots later

And we've decided to combine out musical talents.  Our new band name...Fig Mountain Tap Takeover.  It has a nice ring to it don't you think?

We even had time to stop and see the beautiful Oden family and sneak in a few snuggles before heading home.  I can't wait to do it again.  If only Ben would quit his job so he could drive me around to see my friends year round.  Selfish.

I stole this one because I like it so much.  Miss you!

Oh summer why do you have to end?  You are a beautiful tease and I love you.  Until next time. 

California magic

The ball was clearly in my court with the number of times I got asked What do you want to do this summer?  I couldn't think of a better place to escape from the exhausting routine of chemo pumps and  days in bed and medicine bottles than the charms of our sister state.  Especially with our beautiful family and having a pool doesn't hurt.  I recently realized that I have felt good on every vacation that my amazing husband has planned.  God has been so good to give me these breaks and build on our family memories.  I am beyond thankful.  And now sit back because I managed to narrow it down to 45 photos of our magical family trip.  Your welcome.

 Elevator selfie.  What is it with ceiling mirrors.  I just can't stop.

 What can I say?  He's a thirsty boy.

So many wands.  So little time.  So much money for a tiny piece of plastic.

Finally (I am not joking with how long this took) the wands have chosen the wizards. 

 Some tattoo fun

 What do you do when your foot is healing from a two inch gash falling on an escalator (cough...Ava) and you can't go swimming?  Go to the movies of course!  What is this, amateur hour?

 Loving the days with my girl

 The nightly show starring stuffed bunnies and impromptu Adele karaoke. 

 Jesus take the wheel.

 Paparazzi

 Sweet love of mine

 I finally got to snuggle baby Koa.  Twenty pounds of adorable squishy cuddles.

 Can you hardly stand the cuteness?!

Big sister Emi looking equally gorgeous

 #squadgoals

 obligatory pool pics

 Serenading us on the porch

 Free slurpees at 7 eleven.  Only took us three tries to find a working machine!

 Family shots

 Getting our adrenaline on!

 Hogwarts!

 Working her magic.  Literally.

 Loved every minute with my little man

So happy to get on the tram and into some shade

 Five happy wizards

Celebrating my beautiful bonus sister!

 She sells seashells by the seashore

 adrenaline junkies and adventurers 

now stand together and look cute!

 Lego land!

 Faster Ammie!  shouted an anonymous onlooker...hee..hee..hee

 Ian could not have been happier

 5 little monkeys sitting in a tree

Two beauties

 Driving through the mini town

 New York City made from legos.  I love how this shot turned out.  It looks like they are in a real city.  This whole part of lego land was amazing.

 Tidepools

 Sisters

More wonderful days recorded in the memory books.  I can't wait to go back and hope we have many more summers giggling, lathering up the sunscreen, screaming on rollercoasters, wielding magic wands, collecting silver dollars, jumping waves, dripping ice cream cones, holding hands, sleeping in, floating on the lazy river, enjoying no schedules, and just BE-ing together.