Plan B Christmas

It's a good thing there's photographic evidence that Christmas was actually celebrated at the Hsieh household this year.  All I can remember is halfheartedly filling our advent envelopes with such winners as "Christmas movie night" and "Christmas bath." Ava was so onto me and my meager attempts at holiday merriment.  Thankfully Ben had the genius idea of a taking the whole family up to Great Wolf Lodge.  It was the perfect distraction and chance for the munchkins to be silly with their cousins.  

Candlelight service at Hope

Lizard lovers

Elia's perfectly dimpled smile

Monogramed purses were a huge hit

remote controlled monster truck 

of course they had to go to build a bear for new outfits

love me some Addy Grace

the boys

life is good at Great Wolf Lodge

little howlers

Just tall enough for the water slides

mastering the ropes course

shutting down the lodge with ice cream each night

fireside photo shoot

sillies

cousin jackpot

Of all the people in the world I got lucky enough to get these humans.  Such a blessed mama.

Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.

Yesterday morning I awoke to the sound of fresh cries from Ian's room.  I dragged myself from the covers and climbed in beside his perfectly warm body.  I stroked his hair as he whispered a fear that I couldn't answer with any sure promise.  "I was looking for you and your were gone.  I couldn't find you and I needed you."  How desperately I wanted to tell him that I would never leave him.  Soon my tears matched his and I prayed for the first time of a hundred that day to make me better.  I know that none of us have a promise of tomorrow but all the evidence points to the quick unraveling of my human body.
The news at the oncologist was dim.  My hopes for a healing surgery hinge on a miracle.   I suppose all our futures hinge on the miracle of His freely offered grace, my limited future just has photographic evidence.  I wish I could promise my children that I'll always be here for them but I know it's a promise I can't keep.  In some ways I can see how God uses that fear to force my face up against the glass and appreciate the precious pieces of my life.  I breathe deeper each bedtime with a little and a book cuddled up in my lap.  The I love yous come quicker and the hugs are a little bit longer.  I know the reasons to show up for battle.  Bottles of pills, constipation, vomiting, diarrhea, weight loss, food sensitivity, exhaustion, all threaten to rob me of my joy.   But I am going to fight for every name I've been given; wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.

These are the faces that propel me forward and allow me to lean in to the good and terrible of this journey.  I'm trading in flimsy new years resolutions for the unwavering promises of my savior.   For promises that He is right here alongside me with the gift of life in exchange for surrender.

This guy

It's the same story just a different tune.  In two days he'll dare to turn six.  He'll step into roomier clothes and continue to surprise me with all that he is becoming.  I wish I could adequately express what a phenomenal person Ian is.  Since his wee bitty days he has a light that doesn't seem to have a dimmer switch.  Even though he and I both know that those baby days are long gone he still humors me with a perfectly timed hug and a hint of baby talk.  He's so eager to please that I'm left praying that we won't take advantage of his easy demeaner.  His sensitivity is a gift and I pray that God will mold all those soft pieces into great strength.   I couldn't help but tear up as his teacher expressed what a joy he is to have in class.  Not that I'm surprised.  I've known for awhile that he would be a quiet but strong leader wherever he goes.  I am so head over heels in love with this guy and on the edge of my seat to see all that God will do through him.

hair release and surrender

It isn't too often that a girl gets the option of a complete head shave and the opportunity to rock a new vibe.  I'm not going to say I'm lucky that I get to sport a "I wonder if that girl has cancer?" hairstyle, but it is kind of empowering and makes me feel a tiny bit like a bad a#*.  It also seems to beat the alternative of of standing in the shower bawling over clumps of hair cascading down the drain.  There was so much friendship radiating around that room. The best part was just the simple reminder that I am clinging to a whole lot of ordinary love right now.

 my sweet sis in law sent chocolate covered fruit

 Ava got her fancy on with some bubbly

 sister selfie

 Popping the champagne

 Angela was so sweet to get all my fancy on before cutting my hair.

 It was fun to have so many of my girlfriends in one place and getting to know each other,

 Me and My Anne

 It was so amazing to have Amy come just at the right time to hold my hand. :)

All the Lincoln ladies 

 Beautiful Terwilligers although we missed Jaime!

 love that girls smile

 Ava and Bob the corkscrew.  It looks like she's having a blast but she spent most of the time hiding in Melanie's arms crying about my hair loss.  It's taken awhile to convince both my loves that I am still mama no matter what I look like.

 On display

 The first cut

 Mohawk mama
Was tempting to keep it this way and see what would happen but I totally chickened out

All done!

 Wig #1

 wig #2

wig #3

I'm not even sure if I'm going to lose any hair or not.  So far we are on week 4 and I haven't lost any.  Most days I end up without a wig just because it's more comfortable.  It's been an easier decision than all this surrender I have to face.  So much love and generosity and all the people showing up for everything and making me believe that I am LIVING with cancer not dying with it.  I have the best people that love me richly and remind me of the every day Jesus.  The one giving extra hugs and chicken noodle soup.  The one driving me to all my appointments and letting me cry into his cashmere sweaters.  The ones watching the kids and filling advent calendars or flying in from around the country to hold my puke bag.  The party was just one more reminder of how precious this team of mine is.