Weekending

It's a bit tricky when you go on a road trip to Bend a month before Spring Break and it's all breathtakingly sunny and picturesque.  And the company is high five fun and the landscape is all red rocks and blue sky and the cherry on top is the hot tub...holla!  What inevitably happens is you get home and it's grey and rainy and your cancer shows you who's boss and you still have 30 days (no I'm not counting) until you can fly the coup to somewhere warm( no I did not spend all day researching flights to Hawaii).  

It has Sabrina and I all like:

But at least there's the memories right?  I'll try to keep my whining in check and allow myself only one pity party a day.  If only I could channel Miss A's love of indoor soccer into my winter blues.  We'd all be much happier.  I mean come on.  Could she be any cuter?  She's the best combination of fierce butt kicking and squishy love.  Is it wrong how much my heart swells when she shows the boys who's boss?  Probably but I don't care. 

Ok, here's the reason we're really here.  Although I apologize if this makes you want to quit your life and move to Eastern Oregon.  You wouldn't be the first one.

About to hike Smith Rock

She was super excited to try out her new Camelbak

 Cave dwelling with Karl.  Or in their words, "Wassup?"

Pose for Mommy!  No I'm sure it doesn't get old.

 We made it to the top!

 Viewtaking

 My girl and our next album cover

 Abby and I taking it all in

 Ben trying to freak me out

 I'm calling this interpretive dance on the cliff

 Card shark.  You know you have invested in some good friends when they are willing to appear entertained at an hour long/my kids are terrible cheaters/ game of Uno.

Thanks to Ben my babies are becoming quite the skiers.  This video is a bit of an inside joke.  But if you want the scoop just google:  ski Dad yelling pizza.  I guarantee it will make you smile.

SO MANY COOL RESTAURANTS...so little time.  I say this every time we go to Bend.  I can't keep up!  For future reference this one was called Spork and was a spanish/asian fusion of deliciousness.  We even got to eat in a futuristic pod and drink German beer/sodas.  It was totally bizarre and amazing. 

And rounding out our weekend with a tour of Bend's parks where Kabby played tag with our kids for an hour.  Did I mention we have some great friends?

A huge shout out to my love who plans these getaways so I can have something to look forward to at least once a season.  You butter my bread and I love you.  And it's not just plain butter either.  It's fancy truffle butter that can only be found by pigs in the rare forests of Newfoundland.

I-Bear

For the last two nights my favorite seven year old has climbed into bed with us sometime around midnight.  I tend to be a heavy sleeper except when it comes to my babies.  I can hear when they shift around in bed or wake up with a bloody nose.  This time I woke up as I watched Ian stumble towards me in the dark and fall into my outstretched arms.  'Is everything ok buddy?'  'Yes I just was worried about you.'
 I know all the ways my boy is a common seven year old.  He loves legos, ninjago, and pokemon videos.  He would eat all the chocolate ice cream given the chance and nothing lights his fire like star wars and playing video games with his dad.  But how many boys worry about their moms in the middle of the night and wake up from a dead sleep to make sure they are ok?  Ian is just such an amazing kid.  I've watched his height double this year and still it can't keep up with all the ways his heart multiplied in compassion.  I'm dying with suspense to see what path he'll choose as a young man.  I'm leaning towards engineering since his brain figures out how to solve problems in warp speed but he was also made for music and climbs notes as though they were a clean straight line, or with all his practice he could be an expert personal shopper in the anthropology clearance section, or maybe early childhood for his skills as a baby whisperer.
  Ian, no matter what road you choose, I know that God is going to use you in amazing ways.  I just hope that this experience of worrying about me and losing a piece of your childhood doesn't lead you on a pathway of bitterness and resentment.  Grampa always says that we can't have nobility without suffering and you have been called to live out these words in your young life.  You school us all in bravery and I pray it only multiplies as the years go by.  You've had to grow up so fast since I got sick.  I won't forget the look on your face when I couldn't make it upstairs and started throwing up in the living room.  I can't imagine how helpless you must have felt and how badly you wanted to make everything better.  You know how to find daddy when I need him, microwave my heating pad and make your own breakfast when I can't get out of bed.  It's not uncommon to find you rubbing my back to comfort me and offering to do anything to make me feel better.  My heart nearly broke as I heard your voice on the line when school called and asked me to come get you.  At Christmas I could tell that you wondered if your humble homemade gift from school was enough.  And I wondered if you knew that you were always the gift.  Parenting you is such a privilege.  I melt when those brown eyes turn my way.  We have a secret kiss at bedtime that I look forward to every night.  It is the perfect ending to my often difficult day.
 Oh, sweet Ian.  You are the great joy of my life.  I will be proud of you no matter what road you choose.  Being a parent was what I always wanted and you have exceeded every hope I had of being a mother.  I'm telling you, if God can carry me through cancer, if he can call us not to fear in the midst of this terrible battle or promise us that we dwell in the shadow of his wings, then he can carry you through any heartbreak you face.  Always remember that I love you more than you could ever know or imagine.

A few of my favorites

The big freeze

Well we've finally thawed out from an especially snowy winter.  And although I'm going to be a whiny mess COME JULY (ok I'm slightly exaggerating) when we're still in school from missing 9 days, it sure was fun to play a little hooky.  We slept in, drank way to much hot chocolate, pulled out all our new games, Mario Karted on the new Wii, pelted each other with snow balls, failed at homemade sledding, and even dropped the kids off with their aunt so we could go to the movies-on a Tuesday!- at 2 in the afternoon! It was a wonderfully bizarre couple of weeks.

Tia took the call to adventure especially serious and built herself a giant igloo!  I'm telling you that girl would make a killing at the show Alone.  As long as she could bring her stash of halloween candy and colorful nylons.

 We made it to our favorite hiking trail to see it through a snowy lens.  I was so glad I brought my new camera body to try out some of the settings.  Thanks babe for my beautiful Christmas gift!  You are a man after my own heart.

It's a rare moment when I ask them to hug for a picture and they don't give me a look of disgust and immediately run in opposite directions.  I didn't even have to bribe them with candy!

 Is it too late for Christmas cards?

 I can't get enough of my new earmuffs.  We've become inseparable, especially since my dad gave them to me.  I was a blessed girl this Christmas!

 Hello handsome.

 This was with the setting where the camera takes a thousand pictures a second.  Ok, maybe not quite that many.  At least one will turn out right?

 One...

 Two...

 Three!

 Doesn't this look like one of those fake backgrounds?  I can't believe this is only five minutes from our house.  Beau-ti-full.

 My loves

Mt. Hood can almost compete with my cuties sweet faces.

The rough edges

Late this summer as we ran into the arms of family at the San Diego airport I listened as my nieces took turns commenting about my short hair.  Nothing disarms my sweet girl as much as my current hairstyles and so I took note as she firmly explained to them that "mommy has cancer but she told me she's going to be ok."  I racked my brain to remember how she could have possibly interpreted anything I had said to mean what she took it to mean.  That night I told Ben what she had said and wondered if I should have some kind of conversation with her to explain that I might not be ok.  Thankfully Ben encouraged me to let it go and just pray that the right moment would come around.

So the other night as I tangled Ava's hands up into mine I prayed I would have the right words.  I was humbled as she allowed herself the rare moment of whispering her fears into mine.  "Mommy, what if the doctors don't find a way to make you better?  What if the chemo stops working and the cancer gets bigger?"  She might as well have punched me straight in the face for how often she shows her fear card.  I paused to let it sink in and prayed hard that God would give me the right words.  I looked her straight in the eye and told her that I simply did not know if I was going to be ok.  I reminded her that none of us know how long we have here on earth and my time might be a little shorter than any of us wanted.  I took another long breath and smiled before either of us had time to cry.  "But although all of that is true, there is something that I look forward to more than anything else.  And that is being your mommy.  When I go to bed at night I go to bed thinking about how I get to wake up and make you your favorite mango pineapple smoothie.  And then how I get to comb those stubborn tangles from your brown hair and pray with you before school.  Nothing brings me greater joy than listening to you giggle as I scratch your back at bedtime."  And then with a few of those giggles I tucked her into bed.  It wasn't a lie either.  And when I'm tempted to feel like my time as their mother is going to be cut short I remember that God has called me to be their mother and I will be for all eternity.  When I grieve over the possibility of not being there to dance at their weddings or hold their grandbabies I comfort myself knowing that my love will be with them in every big and small milestone.  I have and continue to love every moment as a mama.  And I pray with each breath that God decides to throw a curveball into the game.   That these hard realities will become stories we look back on and remember His goodness in healing me.