Here and now

If you were to look around our house today, compared to the six years ago that we moved here you could probably count on one hand the number of major decorations I've accomplished that were once on my pinterest worthy wish list.  I love those woman that change up their mantles and bedspreads  and have boxes of seasonal decor.  *note to self:  start collecting antique sprinkler heads.  I'm coming to realize that the major thing marking our years here are the changes of little chubby bodies into self sufficient human beings.  And as much as I miss exhibit A and B: 

I've got to admit that there is something to be said for that marker.  I wasn't sure we'd ever be able to say, " Go take a bath." and not be needed for any part of the process.  Or to not have to know every detail of my children's bowel movements.  I slept in every morning in Hawaii and they just entertained themselves.  Just because you choose to get up in the sixes does not mean mommy has too.  I mean, right?!  There are literally years and years you think things like that will never happen. And we still get all kinds of snuggles up in here and every now and then I get a "yemolade" for a lemonade.  And my heart melts with every lispy gem.  So I say we are in the sweet spot between chubby dependence and snarky attitude.  Although who knows, I've heard it gets even better.  I'll have to check back on that one. 

We had such a lovely visit with GiGi and Papa.  Can you believe they are in their 90's and they're all jet setting around the country to visit their own babies.  So, so blessed.  GiGi even brought the kiddos their own watercolor sets and gave them a refresher course.  It all made me a little teary.

The gang on easter morning

 Easter basket chase, hidden in the cobweb infested bathtubs underbelly.  Mama's got to start getting creative.   And how they still believe in the easter bunny after literally getting caught taking down the easter baskets is beyond me. 

Smiles for candy, after four years they know the drill.

 Love this crew

 Miss A started in a volleyball league.  In her own words writing a letter to her NiNi, "I started volleyball this week.  I realized that I'm terrible at it."  I'll admit it is sorta painful to watch but getting better every week!

This bond still melts me.  We hit the jackpot in the pet department.

  Remind me of this the next time she eats a ball of yarn, poops it out and drags it from her litterbox to play.

 Welcome to lego city.  I swear little man is going to be an engineer one day.  He and legos = pure magic.

 She is now almost four times through the entire series.  I'm not sure it's healthy at this point.  

In honor of her finally getting over her virus and since she missed dress as your favorite book character at school I agreed to throw her a Harry Potter book club party.  It was actually super fun to plan and her friends are so sweet.  Here they are playing bamboozled and getting super dramatic with every skunk/puke flavored jelly bean.  Gross and hilarious.  There is talk of a trip to Harry Potter world this summer, which we have to keep to a minimum or hives just might break loose.

 Although the distance between their BFF and complete enemy status is getting closer together they still manage to crack us up with their play.  I still can't believe she convinces Ian to do this on a regular basis.  

 Gotta forsee some years of therapy for this one.  My beauties.

 And had to include some outtakes that make me smile.  Although I wouldn't trade it for the right now us.  The endless reading logs, sports practices, after dinner family bike rides, staying up a little later for movie night, precious sleep, chapter books, make your own lunch, jokes, daydreaming, morning devotions, independent tooth brushing and laundry folding, the picnic game (ask me sometime), quiet hours while the kids are at school, and fun road trips.  This is the good stuff, but still...

#holdmeJesus

again and again

For the unnumbered time I find myself staring at the screen wishing I had the words to piece together our new family rhythms.  I go to my weekly yoga class like it's my job and play the role of stay at home mom with attempted perfection.  I'm baking cookies and folding laundry and this week stroking the fever soaked hair of my oldest fighting a nasty virus. Everything rises steadily leading up to my chemo days and then leaves me scrounging for answers in its wake.  So I tidy up bedrooms and stir fresh basil into spaghetti sauce and try not to let the fears occupy more space than the promises.  Every Monday Dad and I find our way to the couch and study the stories of the bible where God surprised everyone with his perfectly unexpected plan.  I memorize Psalm 23 as if it were a lifeline in a storm and every week I utter the same familiar prayer.  God please heal and restore this body.  

 Sweet valentines

 Little man earned his tiger belt and was so proud

 100 days of school!

 Peppermint tea and Harry Potter books for days (and days and days, when will this virus end?)

 Still breathing deep from a five day visit with my soul sister.  We didn't manage to do much but it was exactly what I needed.  Cooking together, late night tv, after hours shopping trips, and her reminder of seeng the beauty in the mess made this the perfect visit.

and ice cream of course.

Sad that I managed to snag only 8 photos is two months time but I'm a girl of every day moments and I'll take what I can get and never stop being thankful for these little pieces that make this life mine.

Plan B Christmas

It's a good thing there's photographic evidence that Christmas was actually celebrated at the Hsieh household this year.  All I can remember is halfheartedly filling our advent envelopes with such winners as "Christmas movie night" and "Christmas bath." Ava was so onto me and my meager attempts at holiday merriment.  Thankfully Ben had the genius idea of a taking the whole family up to Great Wolf Lodge.  It was the perfect distraction and chance for the munchkins to be silly with their cousins.  

Candlelight service at Hope

Lizard lovers

Elia's perfectly dimpled smile

Monogramed purses were a huge hit

remote controlled monster truck 

of course they had to go to build a bear for new outfits

love me some Addy Grace

the boys

life is good at Great Wolf Lodge

little howlers

Just tall enough for the water slides

mastering the ropes course

shutting down the lodge with ice cream each night

fireside photo shoot

sillies

cousin jackpot

Of all the people in the world I got lucky enough to get these humans.  Such a blessed mama.

Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.

Yesterday morning I awoke to the sound of fresh cries from Ian's room.  I dragged myself from the covers and climbed in beside his perfectly warm body.  I stroked his hair as he whispered a fear that I couldn't answer with any sure promise.  "I was looking for you and your were gone.  I couldn't find you and I needed you."  How desperately I wanted to tell him that I would never leave him.  Soon my tears matched his and I prayed for the first time of a hundred that day to make me better.  I know that none of us have a promise of tomorrow but all the evidence points to the quick unraveling of my human body.
The news at the oncologist was dim.  My hopes for a healing surgery hinge on a miracle.   I suppose all our futures hinge on the miracle of His freely offered grace, my limited future just has photographic evidence.  I wish I could promise my children that I'll always be here for them but I know it's a promise I can't keep.  In some ways I can see how God uses that fear to force my face up against the glass and appreciate the precious pieces of my life.  I breathe deeper each bedtime with a little and a book cuddled up in my lap.  The I love yous come quicker and the hugs are a little bit longer.  I know the reasons to show up for battle.  Bottles of pills, constipation, vomiting, diarrhea, weight loss, food sensitivity, exhaustion, all threaten to rob me of my joy.   But I am going to fight for every name I've been given; wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.

These are the faces that propel me forward and allow me to lean in to the good and terrible of this journey.  I'm trading in flimsy new years resolutions for the unwavering promises of my savior.   For promises that He is right here alongside me with the gift of life in exchange for surrender.