I-Bear

For the last two nights my favorite seven year old has climbed into bed with us sometime around midnight.  I tend to be a heavy sleeper except when it comes to my babies.  I can hear when they shift around in bed or wake up with a bloody nose.  This time I woke up as I watched Ian stumble towards me in the dark and fall into my outstretched arms.  'Is everything ok buddy?'  'Yes I just was worried about you.'
 I know all the ways my boy is a common seven year old.  He loves legos, ninjago, and pokemon videos.  He would eat all the chocolate ice cream given the chance and nothing lights his fire like star wars and playing video games with his dad.  But how many boys worry about their moms in the middle of the night and wake up from a dead sleep to make sure they are ok?  Ian is just such an amazing kid.  I've watched his height double this year and still it can't keep up with all the ways his heart multiplied in compassion.  I'm dying with suspense to see what path he'll choose as a young man.  I'm leaning towards engineering since his brain figures out how to solve problems in warp speed but he was also made for music and climbs notes as though they were a clean straight line, or with all his practice he could be an expert personal shopper in the anthropology clearance section, or maybe early childhood for his skills as a baby whisperer.
  Ian, no matter what road you choose, I know that God is going to use you in amazing ways.  I just hope that this experience of worrying about me and losing a piece of your childhood doesn't lead you on a pathway of bitterness and resentment.  Grampa always says that we can't have nobility without suffering and you have been called to live out these words in your young life.  You school us all in bravery and I pray it only multiplies as the years go by.  You've had to grow up so fast since I got sick.  I won't forget the look on your face when I couldn't make it upstairs and started throwing up in the living room.  I can't imagine how helpless you must have felt and how badly you wanted to make everything better.  You know how to find daddy when I need him, microwave my heating pad and make your own breakfast when I can't get out of bed.  It's not uncommon to find you rubbing my back to comfort me and offering to do anything to make me feel better.  My heart nearly broke as I heard your voice on the line when school called and asked me to come get you.  At Christmas I could tell that you wondered if your humble homemade gift from school was enough.  And I wondered if you knew that you were always the gift.  Parenting you is such a privilege.  I melt when those brown eyes turn my way.  We have a secret kiss at bedtime that I look forward to every night.  It is the perfect ending to my often difficult day.
 Oh, sweet Ian.  You are the great joy of my life.  I will be proud of you no matter what road you choose.  Being a parent was what I always wanted and you have exceeded every hope I had of being a mother.  I'm telling you, if God can carry me through cancer, if he can call us not to fear in the midst of this terrible battle or promise us that we dwell in the shadow of his wings, then he can carry you through any heartbreak you face.  Always remember that I love you more than you could ever know or imagine.

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