May 4, 2019.
Monday, May 6, 2019
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Benedictions of Peace
Invocation
When I was first diagnosed few things stand out in my mind more than a feeling of being torn open, tender and raw. Those initial months I thought the tears would never stop flowing. I spent nearly every breath pleading with the God of possibility for a way out. I formed a mantra that went something like this.
Please don't let me die.
Please consider my children.
Please don't break my heart.
I could literally see the cliff that I was about to fall off of and I begged God a thousand times for a bridge that would lead me across to more of this life.
Finding out I had stage four cancer and realizing my life here was probably going to be shorter than expected was like looking down at myself from the ceiling of the emergency room and watching as I stepped up to the precipice. There were only two things I was aware of, The before diagnosis and the after diagnosis. And I guessed it would be like that for always.
Time froze as I realized that this disease would unravel everything I had ever wanted, worked towards and hoped for the future. My soulmate, my devoted parents and sister, my two beautiful babies, my extended family, my life sisters, my graduate work, and my passion of walking alongside the children and families that meant so much to me. I pictured all of it carefully tucked into a large sheet, tied up and heaved onto the altar with nothing left but to strike a match.
I didn't know it at the time but the after of my dim prognosis would, VERY SLOWLY, become a bit of a surprise. Sort of like discovering a secret to the universe that only few get to experience. I've realized that this is the part of life everyone desperately wants to skip. It probably explains all the curiosity, questions and stares I get on a daily basis.
Sort of like, Whoa, look at that girl without any hair. I wonder if she's sick. She looks sick. But she's so young. That must be terrible. I wonder what I would do if I got cancer. I would lose everything I love. Oh man, I do not want to think about that. (Runs in the other direction.)
But maybe it's the most important part.
Maybe it's the part that makes us who we really are supposed to be.
Maybe it forces us to trust in a God who will strip us naked and then clothe us with Life.
Isn't it true that life always begins in the dark. It is inescapable.
Barbara Brown Taylor reminds us that whether it's a seed in the ground, a baby in the womb, or Jesus in a tomb, we must learn how to BE in the dark to find our purpose. I can't help but think of Jonah spending three days in the pitch black belly of a fish, just waiting to see what God was going to do with him.
Psalm 46 has become one of my life lines during this battle because it reminds me to hope in the light on the other side of all these shadows.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
When morning dawns. Not when the first sign of night falls but after the path of darkness has been traveled.
It has taken me almost three years of ugly crying, wrestling, questioning, calling out, tuning my ears, applying my heart, reflecting on God's promises, studying his poetry, searching for wisdom, and gasping for breath to even glimpse the peace that passes understanding.
It was an embattled peace from the very beginning.
Like Job I've questioned God but deep inside I've also sensed that I have no other option than to follow after Jesus. I've never had a life verse but if I were to choose one it would probably be John 6:68.
After many disciples abandoned him Jesus asks the twelve, "You do not want to leave too, do you?" Simon Peter then answers him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." No matter how lost everything seems I know that I have nowhere else to turn. Jesus has given me everything. The treasures hidden in my little plot of land hold incalculable value.
There's just something about getting sick and deciding to put all your chips on the one wild and precious life you're already living. At first I thought it was a curse. How cruel to make me so keenly aware of the weight of beauty around me, only to have it stripped away.
Yet....yet...yet...when I really look around me . I mean really look at the LOVE in my life, I couldn't be more grateful to have been so devastated about losing it all.
I truly believe that God will redeem this path, my pain and the hurt of those around me for His glory and our family's good. Yes, there's a loss of future time in the sense that my limited eyes can see, but my heart has been opened to the inescapable beauty of my right now. It's one of the hardest tensions I've ever known. It's learning to live in Kairos time.
When I was first diagnosed few things stand out in my mind more than a feeling of being torn open, tender and raw. Those initial months I thought the tears would never stop flowing. I spent nearly every breath pleading with the God of possibility for a way out. I formed a mantra that went something like this.
Please don't let me die.
Please consider my children.
Please don't break my heart.
Finding out I had stage four cancer and realizing my life here was probably going to be shorter than expected was like looking down at myself from the ceiling of the emergency room and watching as I stepped up to the precipice. There were only two things I was aware of, The before diagnosis and the after diagnosis. And I guessed it would be like that for always.
Time froze as I realized that this disease would unravel everything I had ever wanted, worked towards and hoped for the future. My soulmate, my devoted parents and sister, my two beautiful babies, my extended family, my life sisters, my graduate work, and my passion of walking alongside the children and families that meant so much to me. I pictured all of it carefully tucked into a large sheet, tied up and heaved onto the altar with nothing left but to strike a match.
I didn't know it at the time but the after of my dim prognosis would, VERY SLOWLY, become a bit of a surprise. Sort of like discovering a secret to the universe that only few get to experience. I've realized that this is the part of life everyone desperately wants to skip. It probably explains all the curiosity, questions and stares I get on a daily basis.
But maybe it's the most important part.
Maybe it's the part that makes us who we really are supposed to be.
Maybe it forces us to trust in a God who will strip us naked and then clothe us with Life.
Isn't it true that life always begins in the dark. It is inescapable.
Barbara Brown Taylor reminds us that whether it's a seed in the ground, a baby in the womb, or Jesus in a tomb, we must learn how to BE in the dark to find our purpose. I can't help but think of Jonah spending three days in the pitch black belly of a fish, just waiting to see what God was going to do with him.
Psalm 46 has become one of my life lines during this battle because it reminds me to hope in the light on the other side of all these shadows.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
When morning dawns. Not when the first sign of night falls but after the path of darkness has been traveled.
It has taken me almost three years of ugly crying, wrestling, questioning, calling out, tuning my ears, applying my heart, reflecting on God's promises, studying his poetry, searching for wisdom, and gasping for breath to even glimpse the peace that passes understanding.
It was an embattled peace from the very beginning.
Like Job I've questioned God but deep inside I've also sensed that I have no other option than to follow after Jesus. I've never had a life verse but if I were to choose one it would probably be John 6:68.
There's just something about getting sick and deciding to put all your chips on the one wild and precious life you're already living. At first I thought it was a curse. How cruel to make me so keenly aware of the weight of beauty around me, only to have it stripped away.
Yet....yet...yet...when I really look around me . I mean really look at the LOVE in my life, I couldn't be more grateful to have been so devastated about losing it all.
I truly believe that God will redeem this path, my pain and the hurt of those around me for His glory and our family's good. Yes, there's a loss of future time in the sense that my limited eyes can see, but my heart has been opened to the inescapable beauty of my right now. It's one of the hardest tensions I've ever known. It's learning to live in Kairos time.
Tuesday, September 11, 2018
Tuesday stream of consciousness on identity
Jesus lover
Rescued by grace
Relentless cancer warrior
Grey, Black, and Beige wearer
Sister
Maker of small things
Striver of simplicity
Champion of Early Childhood Rights
Sucker for socially responsible jewelry, cookbooks, gourmet chocolate bars, brown-eyed tweeners, soft hearted eight year olds and asian kisses
Kitchen DJ
Amateur Photographer
Reciter of the mantra, "show more grace."
Usually to two cherub siblings
Food snob
Daughter
Bargain hunter
Husband exasperater
Blanket wearer
Cold water intolerant
Bath taker
Sun lover
Teacher
Adventurer
Bike Widow
Lemonade expert
Snuggle aficionado
Baker
Technologically challenged
Member of the fellowship of the suffering
Mama Bear
Smitten with the same dark haired, tan skinned, broad shouldered, sarcastic, and kind man for twenty years
Living in light of the paradox that I am struggling to not be overshadowed by an identity I did not choose and that does not define me but has revealed who and who's I truly am.
Give it a minute
Rescued by grace
Relentless cancer warrior
Grey, Black, and Beige wearer
Sister
Maker of small things
Striver of simplicity
Champion of Early Childhood Rights
Sucker for socially responsible jewelry, cookbooks, gourmet chocolate bars, brown-eyed tweeners, soft hearted eight year olds and asian kisses
Kitchen DJ
Amateur Photographer
Reciter of the mantra, "show more grace."
Usually to two cherub siblings
Food snob
Daughter
Bargain hunter
Husband exasperater
Blanket wearer
Cold water intolerant
Bath taker
Sun lover
Teacher
Adventurer
Bike Widow
Lemonade expert
Snuggle aficionado
Baker
Technologically challenged
Member of the fellowship of the suffering
Mama Bear
Smitten with the same dark haired, tan skinned, broad shouldered, sarcastic, and kind man for twenty years
Living in light of the paradox that I am struggling to not be overshadowed by an identity I did not choose and that does not define me but has revealed who and who's I truly am.
Give it a minute
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Honey Bear
You are one of a kind baby love. I can't stop staring at you lately. At how fast you're changing. Does it surprise you like it surprises me? Do you catch yourself looking in the mirror wondering who that girl is looking back at you?
Smart, funny, athletic, artistic, generous, fiery, kind and loyal. There simply aren't enough adjectives to describe all that's going on in that spirit of yours.
You are a FORCE, an amazing writer, a sleep talker, a cat whisperer and a song bird.
You are a slew of contradictions. Messy and organized. Graceful and clumsy. An extrovert who recharges with a quiet book at home. A vegetable lover with a mad sweet tooth.
This is my favorite picture of you from our trip. A pink jewel against a sapphire canvas. Ready to take on anything life throws at you. I hope you always remember this moment and the mountains you are about to climb. I know what you're up against and can only imagine how strong you're going to have to be. Soon...too soon baby. But the one who knit you together inside of me will never let you go. He will be enough. I promise.
You don't have to hide who you are. You don't have to pretend you're someone else. I know you're still figuring all this out. I watched you on the playground the other day as you teetered between kid world and tween world. You hesitated about whether you should race down the slide or sit on the park bench. I watched when Ian asked you to play. You don't have to hesitate if it's what you want to do.
I know you want a phone because "everyone else has one." You have so much time. The phones will wait. The world will wait. I saw you hide your bunny when it was time to pack for Keely's sleepover. Don't be afraid that kids will laugh. Let them laugh if they want to. Between you and me, they're all holding a stuffy at night too. Or wish they were.
But since I'm not and I can't, I will be your loudest cheerleader. And I'll build you a nest that smells like peanut butter cookies and freshly cut lavender. A place where you can come home and fall into the arms of your biggest fans.
So when the world is cruel and too much to bear, you can always come home and feel safe, feel loved. Aves, you make me believe that so many things are possible and you continue to give me a thousand reasons to keep fighting for this life. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Weekending
It's a bit tricky when you go on a road trip to Bend a month before Spring Break and it's all breathtakingly sunny and picturesque. And the company is high five fun and the landscape is all red rocks and blue sky and the cherry on top is the hot tub...holla! What inevitably happens is you get home and it's grey and rainy and your cancer shows you who's boss and you still have 30 days (no I'm not counting) until you can fly the coup to somewhere warm( no I did not spend all day researching flights to Hawaii).
It has Sabrina and I all like:
But at least there's the memories right? I'll try to keep my whining in check and allow myself only one pity party a day. If only I could channel Miss A's love of indoor soccer into my winter blues. We'd all be much happier. I mean come on. Could she be any cuter? She's the best combination of fierce butt kicking and squishy love. Is it wrong how much my heart swells when she shows the boys who's boss? Probably but I don't care.
Ok, here's the reason we're really here. Although I apologize if this makes you want to quit your life and move to Eastern Oregon. You wouldn't be the first one.
About to hike Smith Rock
She was super excited to try out her new Camelbak
Cave dwelling with Karl. Or in their words, "Wassup?"
Pose for Mommy! No I'm sure it doesn't get old.
We made it to the top!
Viewtaking
My girl and our next album cover
Abby and I taking it all in
Ben trying to freak me out
I'm calling this interpretive dance on the cliff
Card shark. You know you have invested in some good friends when they are willing to appear entertained at an hour long/my kids are terrible cheaters/ game of Uno.
Thanks to Ben my babies are becoming quite the skiers. This video is a bit of an inside joke. But if you want the scoop just google: ski Dad yelling pizza. I guarantee it will make you smile.
SO MANY COOL RESTAURANTS...so little time. I say this every time we go to Bend. I can't keep up! For future reference this one was called Spork and was a spanish/asian fusion of deliciousness. We even got to eat in a futuristic pod and drink German beer/sodas. It was totally bizarre and amazing.
And rounding out our weekend with a tour of Bend's parks where Kabby played tag with our kids for an hour. Did I mention we have some great friends?
Sunday, February 12, 2017
I-Bear
For the last two nights my favorite seven year old has climbed into bed with us sometime around midnight. I tend to be a heavy sleeper except when it comes to my babies. I can hear when they shift around in bed or wake up with a bloody nose. This time I woke up as I watched Ian stumble towards me in the dark and fall into my outstretched arms. 'Is everything ok buddy?' 'Yes I just was worried about you.'
I know all the ways my boy is a common seven year old. He loves legos, ninjago, and pokemon videos. He would eat all the chocolate ice cream given the chance and nothing lights his fire like star wars and playing video games with his dad. But how many boys worry about their moms in the middle of the night and wake up from a dead sleep to make sure they are ok? Ian is just such an amazing kid. I've watched his height double this year and still it can't keep up with all the ways his heart multiplied in compassion. I'm dying with suspense to see what path he'll choose as a young man. I'm leaning towards engineering since his brain figures out how to solve problems in warp speed but he was also made for music and climbs notes as though they were a clean straight line, or with all his practice he could be an expert personal shopper in the anthropology clearance section, or maybe early childhood for his skills as a baby whisperer.
Ian, no matter what road you choose, I know that God is going to use you in amazing ways. I just hope that this experience of worrying about me and losing a piece of your childhood doesn't lead you on a pathway of bitterness and resentment. Grampa always says that we can't have nobility without suffering and you have been called to live out these words in your young life. You school us all in bravery and I pray it only multiplies as the years go by. You've had to grow up so fast since I got sick. I won't forget the look on your face when I couldn't make it upstairs and started throwing up in the living room. I can't imagine how helpless you must have felt and how badly you wanted to make everything better. You know how to find daddy when I need him, microwave my heating pad and make your own breakfast when I can't get out of bed. It's not uncommon to find you rubbing my back to comfort me and offering to do anything to make me feel better. My heart nearly broke as I heard your voice on the line when school called and asked me to come get you. At Christmas I could tell that you wondered if your humble homemade gift from school was enough. And I wondered if you knew that you were always the gift. Parenting you is such a privilege. I melt when those brown eyes turn my way. We have a secret kiss at bedtime that I look forward to every night. It is the perfect ending to my often difficult day.
Oh, sweet Ian. You are the great joy of my life. I will be proud of you no matter what road you choose. Being a parent was what I always wanted and you have exceeded every hope I had of being a mother. I'm telling you, if God can carry me through cancer, if he can call us not to fear in the midst of this terrible battle or promise us that we dwell in the shadow of his wings, then he can carry you through any heartbreak you face. Always remember that I love you more than you could ever know or imagine.
I know all the ways my boy is a common seven year old. He loves legos, ninjago, and pokemon videos. He would eat all the chocolate ice cream given the chance and nothing lights his fire like star wars and playing video games with his dad. But how many boys worry about their moms in the middle of the night and wake up from a dead sleep to make sure they are ok? Ian is just such an amazing kid. I've watched his height double this year and still it can't keep up with all the ways his heart multiplied in compassion. I'm dying with suspense to see what path he'll choose as a young man. I'm leaning towards engineering since his brain figures out how to solve problems in warp speed but he was also made for music and climbs notes as though they were a clean straight line, or with all his practice he could be an expert personal shopper in the anthropology clearance section, or maybe early childhood for his skills as a baby whisperer.
Ian, no matter what road you choose, I know that God is going to use you in amazing ways. I just hope that this experience of worrying about me and losing a piece of your childhood doesn't lead you on a pathway of bitterness and resentment. Grampa always says that we can't have nobility without suffering and you have been called to live out these words in your young life. You school us all in bravery and I pray it only multiplies as the years go by. You've had to grow up so fast since I got sick. I won't forget the look on your face when I couldn't make it upstairs and started throwing up in the living room. I can't imagine how helpless you must have felt and how badly you wanted to make everything better. You know how to find daddy when I need him, microwave my heating pad and make your own breakfast when I can't get out of bed. It's not uncommon to find you rubbing my back to comfort me and offering to do anything to make me feel better. My heart nearly broke as I heard your voice on the line when school called and asked me to come get you. At Christmas I could tell that you wondered if your humble homemade gift from school was enough. And I wondered if you knew that you were always the gift. Parenting you is such a privilege. I melt when those brown eyes turn my way. We have a secret kiss at bedtime that I look forward to every night. It is the perfect ending to my often difficult day.
Oh, sweet Ian. You are the great joy of my life. I will be proud of you no matter what road you choose. Being a parent was what I always wanted and you have exceeded every hope I had of being a mother. I'm telling you, if God can carry me through cancer, if he can call us not to fear in the midst of this terrible battle or promise us that we dwell in the shadow of his wings, then he can carry you through any heartbreak you face. Always remember that I love you more than you could ever know or imagine.
A few of my favorites
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