So the other night as I tangled Ava's hands up into mine I prayed I would have the right words. I was humbled as she allowed herself the rare moment of whispering her fears into mine. "Mommy, what if the doctors don't find a way to make you better? What if the chemo stops working and the cancer gets bigger?" She might as well have punched me straight in the face for how often she shows her fear card. I paused to let it sink in and prayed hard that God would give me the right words. I looked her straight in the eye and told her that I simply did not know if I was going to be ok. I reminded her that none of us know how long we have here on earth and my time might be a little shorter than any of us wanted. I took another long breath and smiled before either of us had time to cry. "But although all of that is true, there is something that I look forward to more than anything else. And that is being your mommy. When I go to bed at night I go to bed thinking about how I get to wake up and make you your favorite mango pineapple smoothie. And then how I get to comb those stubborn tangles from your brown hair and pray with you before school. Nothing brings me greater joy than listening to you giggle as I scratch your back at bedtime." And then with a few of those giggles I tucked her into bed. It wasn't a lie either. And when I'm tempted to feel like my time as their mother is going to be cut short I remember that God has called me to be their mother and I will be for all eternity. When I grieve over the possibility of not being there to dance at their weddings or hold their grandbabies I comfort myself knowing that my love will be with them in every big and small milestone. I have and continue to love every moment as a mama. And I pray with each breath that God decides to throw a curveball into the game. That these hard realities will become stories we look back on and remember His goodness in healing me.
